nearlyhere

Victoria isn’t quite living up to our expectations. Actually, to be fair, let’s say, “life” in victoria isn’t quite living up to our expectations, though whether they were reasonable expectations, is another matter. I could be philosphical, and yarn about how we have made some good freinds, both have jobs, have managed to save some money and experience some super-natural BC goodness, and have recieved an unhealthy dose of exceptional hospitality, but i really feel like slagging the place off right now, so please humour me. If i could sum up the last three months in a word, i’d pick “grey”. If i had an extra few words (it’s probably a good idea to keep the word limit around there) i’d say “Grey, normal … and yoga pants”.

I don’t have problem with Yoga gear; it’s essential for your asanas, but Yoga Pants – they’re everywhere, and no description of this city would be complete without mentioning their overwhelming prevalence. Even the meth addicts wear them. I think Levis might have brought out a line of Yoga slacks especially for the Victorian market.

My main gripe with this place however, is the phlegm. If you think certain ethnic groups in New Zealand have an unsociable propensity to clear their congested oesophageal tracts in public spaces, you should visit Victoria: you can’t walk 20 paces without sidestepping a mound of necktoplasm. In the time it took me to unlock one of my bicycles (we now have five, in various states of repair) this evening, three passersby nonchalantly discharged their unwanted mouth goo in my general vicinity. The city rings with a chorus of hacking and expectoration that would literally drown out all the Emphysema wards in Beijing.

Coming a close second, my other wrinkle is that the place is very Normal. Don’t get me wrong, there are many, many abnormal people here, some of them in a good way, but it really is a small town, in a big towns boots. And they are boots of an extremely standard design: lace-up, yellowy brown, bulky and a size too big, with a thick rubbery sole and a fat padded thing around the top. Victoria is boring but comfortable. Now imagine some sparkly jewels glued onto the instep: it’s not a pretty ensemble, but the shiny gems provides a distraction. . If you focus on the interesting bits, bedazzled into the nearly dead and newlywed, middle-of-the-road-ness, there is enough to keep you going through the winter months.

Admittedly, my views of the city have been heavily desaturated by the lack of sunshine ( i saw some yesterday, but it was a bit too chilly to stand around in it for long) and we are almost definitely in need of some Vitamin D. Can someone basking in the NZ ‘La Ninia’ summer bottle us up a jar and send it over?